Vacation

Me cuesta un trabajo inmenso dar recomendaciones sinceras, especialmente en música. Puedo suponer, puedo intentar, pero la mayoría de las veces siempre terminaré divagando sobre la banda que estoy recomendando, las canciones, las letras, el contexto en el que llegaron a mí, las razones que las hacen una parte fundamental de mi vida. Sin embargo esto no es recomendar, es ser horrendamente egoista. Dar una recomendación va más allá, es conocer a alguien y estar seguro de que lo que les recomiendas les gustará por circunstancias ajenas a ti.

Algunas veces me pasa, ya sea con alguien que acabo de conocer y de pronto pareciera que realmente pudiese entender lo suficiente para recomendar algo o con alguien a quien desde hace diez años tengo una amistad basada en trueques musicales.

Pero hay casos aún más raros y dichosos, como el conocer a alguien que ya tiene un background musical compatible con el (horrendamente inconsistente) mío. Esto sólo me ha pasado dos veces: una en la que terminé abrazando a un vago (ebrio) en medio de la calle, después de ver en su mano el tatuaje más genial que he visto en mi vida... la otra me contuve y sólo sonreí estúpidamente, sin decir nada, pensando "musical soulmates!" mientras capturaba el momento y fingía no sentirme tan mareado como estaba en realidad.

Tengo otro caso muy parecido a estos últimos, que pasa más a menudo pero que a veces resulta tan triste como alegre... esto es descubrir una canción, un disco, que llegue en el momento más necesario, en el instante justo en el que necesitas más que nada algo con que identificarte y tomar apoyo en ello. Una canción, un disco que escuches y puedas decir "este disco soy yo".

Y este bastardo siempre lo logra.

Oh, I never thought I'd be in that place everyone went to but it really just took me a couple extra years to get there though at least I did feel free for the most part of your weekend, save the rubbing alcohol sting. Oh, it felt just like a vacation but still we complained until we all felt jaded and started to hate it.

I've lost so much I'm running out of things to lose.

All the people I love the best are starting to get frustrated with me being a mess and the people I hardly know are always impressed. All the people I love the best have grown increasingly impatient with the person I am, and some people I hardly know will never understand.

I did some shit that I should have done smarter, but they get away with everything so I thought I could get away too. The shit you're afraid of has made you hateful and you're letting on, tired eyes, all spiteful. And nobody cares, we all got sorrows. Nobody cares, we're all in trouble. The shit that you hate don't make you special. Sorrow don't answer problems.

I've been procrastinating anyway. So what's one more day? What's one more day? I can eat well tomorrow. I can sweep and I can clean up. I can wait 'til tomorrow to pay my rent and start to grow up. I can be sick tomorrow. I can work and i can catch up. I can wait I can wait 'til tomorrow. There's only so many days you can spending waiting until you don't love anything anymore. You get yourself a bottle and say, "I don't do anything anymore." You get yourself a bottle and say, "I don't love anything anymore." 

The consolation prize: with resigned eyes I still held tight and with resigned eyes you still held tight. 

You know, I get so depressed sometimes it's a wonder that I'm still around and I know that you won't care if I go away. So, I won't care, not from this point forward. If you're stuck in your world of cool, why oh why did I ever care about you?

Oh, I'm living in a city that's killed so many better men than me. I got so hung up on things that bring me down that I start feeling lost when they're not around. When relaxing feels like sinking into a bubbly pit with one arm reaching out, hey, can you save my life? I know everyone has bad nights, but you know I don't wanna die.

But I can't complain. I've got a bed I can crawl into, I've got a bottle for the pain. I've got a window shade I can pull right down if the sky fills up with clouds and it looks like rain. I can't complain.

Everybody that loves you will be leaving some day soon. They've got problems to undo. They've got paperwork to do. When I show up at 6 AM I hope somebody lets me in. I know I've been gone a long time, but you know I'm still your friend. I hope you get the job that you've been looking for. But I hope that when I sit around I don't get too down because you're not around.

December destroyed me. January crushed me. By February, I was not myself. March rolled in like beatings and rolled out like a bear hug. In April I stared out the window for a fucking month. I don't want October. I don't want November. I don't want to feel those crippling blows that I can't explain to myself, my friends or you so I soften them with hours of Nintendo. Winter won't kill me.

La época horrenda que esperaba desde hace meses empezará en unas semanas y aunque mis preparaciones no han sido tan efectivas como llegué a pensarlo, tengo un disco que parece conocerme mejor que muchas de las personas que realmente me rodean, 13 canciones que no me pueden decepcionar, 43 minutos que me acompañarán durante lo que tenga que venir.

...so the winter won't kill me.